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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.