Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
